Doubting life

I’m not really sure what pre-empted it, but this past Sunday evening, I became very depressed/curious about life in general. I was pretty hung over that day, so that might have had some sort of effect on it. Did the alcohol from the night before just kick in as a depressant that day? Probably, but I don’t know/care now…

What I do know is that I analyzed the purpose, or lack there of, of why I’m here. I still can’t find a reason, but maybe it will come about before I die… I’ve had a similar conversation with people before, and it’s also possible that I have already fulfilled my purpose, and I just don’t know it. For example, maybe it’s my purpose to write this crap down so that someone in virtual land can come across it and use it to spark a revolution. That’s for another ramble, though…

I just started thinking about what we, as humans, do while we’re alive. I really don’t think that we’re much more than slaves. I know that I’ve heard it before, but I never thought about it in this way. I always just thought that Jim told people that they were slaves because the general public seems to lack innovation/creativity and generally gets lumped together, mentally, like sheep. Think about it [if you can ;)], the majority of people are happy talking about the weather, happy in their 9-5 jobs, and generally happy going through the same routine till retirement or they die. I think the terror alert system just proves this point. How easy people’s emotions/thoughts can be swayed by a meaningless scale brought on by the controlling force. Sunday, however, I thought about it differently. Look at what we do throughout our lives… we are born, go to school, work, and for some, procreate to keep the cycle going on. How many people truly see the fruits of their labor? I am beginning to think that what I think of as the ancient lifestyles (Indian, Egyptian, etc) was healthier for people’s souls.

It sort of left me wondering what I should do… How can I make this time, that I may or may not ever see again, worth it? I feel sort of weird, though… not having proof of anything before or after life, is sort of weird. It makes me wonder why the hell I’m stuck in the middle of life.

I have realized that I desire that which I cannot have. It’s unfortunate, but I think that goes to the heart of human nature. The next step is to use my head to accept that I cannot have everything that I want, but I will also use it to try to get attain certain things out of reach.

So I guess when it comes down to it, I am going to try to learn as much while I’m here. I’m definitely going to take more things less seriously. And in general, I’m going to try to maintain an Epicurean philosophy and just try to enjoy each day as it comes… for tomorrow will be my last… With my ultimate goal of when I look back upon my days, I will try to not regret anything.